I don’t like it when I don’t get what I want. I like getting what I want, and when I don’t, I experience unpleasant emotions that I then have to deal with.
Whether it’s anger, disappointment, frustration or sadness, some emotion comes up inside of me. Now I do not throw my body to the floor in a fit of rage, or sob uncontrollably in the shoe store as I walk away from a fabulous, too-expensive pair. Do you know why? You might think it’s because I’m an adult, and adults shouldn’t act that way. And that’s partially true. But mostly it’s because I have practiced handling these emotions (just like you have), thousands of times in life and my brain has developed the pathways it needs to calm these feelings.
The emotions we feel when we don’t get what we want are part of the process of grieving. We are grieving for whatever it was. We usually think of grief as something we experience because of a break-up or death. Those are BIG losses, but there are little losses all along the way. Daily, I think. Years ago when I took my preschool daughter shopping, she constantly asked to buy things she saw. On one shopping trip I added up the value of items she wanted, and in less than an hour she had requested over $500 worth of desires. (I finally told her she wasn’t allowed to use any sentence that started with “I want…” or “can I have…”). Every time I said “No,” she experienced a loss. It was just a loss of hope and longing, but it was a loss. And sometimes she didn’t handle it very well. That was many years ago, and I’m happy to report that she has since developed some excellent strategies for saying no to herself.
You can probably see where this is heading … one of the most important tasks of childhood is learning how to grieve. How to experience hurt, loss, or disappointment, and to move on without getting stuck in anger, sadness, or resentment.
Parents who love their children want to shield them. They want to make their kids happy and they make an effort to bring joy to their children’s lives. On the flip side, wise parents know that children also need to learn how to manage unpleasant emotions. And that means they have to have unpleasant experiences. Not that we need to go out of our way to make life harder, it has a way of doing that without our help, but it means noticing when we’re shielding them by stepping in, when we could be stepping back.
When a sibling gets a special night at Gramma’s, you don’t have to take the at-home child out for a treat. It’s okay for them to feel sad when it isn’t their turn. When a toy breaks, when they aren’t chosen for the play, when they outgrow their favourite shoes, they need to wrestle with the emotions that result. This is hard for our kids, and subsequently is painful for parents to watch. But it’s an important muscle to build because life has many stressors and losses in store for them. Our job isn’t just to make kids happy, but to equip them for life.
How do we teach our children to grieve?
Acknowledge the loss and identify the feeling. “You are so sad that your balloon floated away.” If you’re wrong, they’ll set you straight. “I’m not sad, I’m MAD!” “Right, you’re mad at that string for breaking.” “Yeah, and now I lost my balloon.” *tears* “It’s so hard to lose something you love” And so on, until the emotion calms. No shame, no blame.
What do they need? We coach our children to notice what they need. “Sometimes when people feel upset, they need a hug.” Or some space, or to run, or a bath, or a phone call to Gramma. We teach them by first becoming observers and noticing what helps them. What do they instinctively do when they have strong emotions? Some run away for some time alone, some bounce off the walls, some seek comfort. When we teach our kids to notice what they need, they can then ask for it instead of lashing out.
“How do you need me to help?” At first they likely won’t know. Kids are experiential rather than analytical. Meaning, they feel what they feel, but they rarely know why, and they don’t know what would make it better. As they learn what they need, and that it’s okay to ask for it, they get better at calming themselves. Eventually, they may not need our help. And that’s great, because our end goal is for kids to be able to solve their own problems, while knowing we’re there for them.
But “how do you need me to help” is a great question, and helps kids to understand themselves.
“What will you do now?” The emotions have calmed (for now) and we can now nudge them back toward engaging in life.
The beauty of this is it works from tiny children, to school-aged kids, to teenagers. Little ones need more coaching (and sometimes multiple choice suggestions) to move through the steps, but eventually they internalize the process. And so do we. (Remember, this part of the brain takes decades to develop. Don’t get discouraged!)
How wonderful when your teen comes home with a problem, and your response isn’t fear, or a big lecture, or peppering them with advice. You say something like, “Ohhhh, that’s a big one. How did you plan to handle that?” And they can tell you.
Job well done!
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