“I was basically an A student. Here I am doing the most important work of my life, and I am probably sitting at a D minus” – one mom’s perception of her own parenting. I hear this often in my work with mothers. “I’m failing at being a mom,” or “I think I’ve ruined my kids.” Good moms seem to be especially vulnerable to this – the ones who are consciously trying to do their best every day.
We look at our tantrumming toddler, our sneaky middle-schooler, our rude teenager and think “you’re acting like a horrible person, and I’m your mom so it must be my fault.” But let me tell you something:
THEY’RE STILL IN PROGRESS! The person rolling their eyes at you and mouthing you off is not the adult you’re going to end up with.
That brain of theirs takes a good 20-30 years to fully mature. And in between now and then are tens of thousand of interactions that will shape their character.
I’m not saying that there are no toxic parents, but few of these ever question their parenting, or not for more than a few moments. A toxic parent has a long list of weapons, and they come under the banner of abuse and neglect. Toxic parents lie, manipulate, ignore, judge, abuse, shame, humiliate and criticize. Nothing is ever good enough. They offer their children no consistent warmth, security or connection.
You might look at this list and say “I’ve done that!” And yes, we all have toxic moments, moments that require a relationship repair, but if you’re reading this article, I can pretty much guarantee you do not qualify for toxic parent status. Toxic parents don’t genuinely look for ways to improve their parenting; although they may do things that make them appear to be trying to improve, their behaviour doesn’t change. (If, by chance, that is you, get help. Your own childhood was likely filled with pain and you deserve more support than an article can offer.)
When you are raising your child with kindness, empathy, unconditional love, limits, encouragement, interesting experiences and laughter, you are creating the milieu for optimal brain development. That means, eventually, a grown-up who is able to manage emotions and impulses, have empathy for others, make good decisions, and so on. If you sometimes yell at your kids, are way too impatient, have no idea how to respond to some of their behaviours – in short if you sometimes mess up – that doesn’t make you a toxic parent, that makes you human. By all means make a relationship repair, forgive yourself and move on.
In some ways your relationship with your child is like a bank account. You make deposits and withdrawals. Deposits are the affirming words, listening to understand, loving touches, the moments we laugh together – you get the drift. Withdrawals are obvious things like yelling, anger, hurtful words and actions, shame, blame and name-calling. Withdrawals can also be the more subtle things like giving instructions, lectures, making demands and sometimes even giving advice or asking questions (especially with less verbal children for whom this is work). It’s not that there’s never a place for withdrawals, but once you’re aware that what you’re doing IS making a withdrawal, you can limit those behaviours as much as possible, and make sure to build the account again.
Not only do we want to avoid draining the relationship account, we want to keep it at a healthy surplus. The beauty of this is we don’t have to be perfect to build that bank balance. Moments count. Let’s throw the idea of the perfect mom out the window, and realize that the good-enough mom is truly good enough.
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At Impact Parenting Lethbridge, we offer coaching and support for all parenting challenges. We use a strengths based, effective, no-nonsense approach to help you to uncover the positive, and possible, within your family.
Want to learn more? Contact us today to find out how we can help you & your family.
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