My mother loved me and believed in training me to become an adult who would be of value to society. To this end she taught me to work, to be honest, to have fun and to love (as well as to pre-heat the teapot and to chew with my mouth closed). But one thing she never did when I was young, was apologize when she made mistakes. And because she was human, she made mistakes. She was harsh when she could have been gentle, she gave prolonged lectures, and if she was wrong, she wouldn’t back down.
When I was about 12, she learned that it was okay to apologize to your kids. This astonished her – she had always believed that this would diminish her authority and we would lose respect for her. She put her new knowledge to work right away, and it made a huge difference in our relationship. I can remember my own feeling of astonishment when she said, “I’m sorry, honey, I was wrong about that.” It made me feel warm inside, and I immediately liked her better. (Score one for building the relationship bank account).
Now we know that apologizing is one step in what we call making a relationship repair. And a repair is what’s needed when we mess up. When we fail, as parents, it does not ruin our children (repeat that to yourself until you believe it). The difference between effective and ineffective parenting, according to Donald Winnicott, a British pediatrician and psychoanalyst who observed thousands of babies and their mothers, is not making errors, but what they (the mothers) do with them.” Even a mother who failed to be responsive and available 50% of the time could raise a child to be a healthy adult with healthy relationships. It’s all about how we repair our errors. So how exactly do we do this? Deborah MacNamara, a parenting expert, offers the following steps:
Steps to Repairing the Relationship
1. Take the lead in mending the relationship
As the one in the relationship with a mature brain (hopefully, haha), it’s our role to take the lead in mending the divide. Not only are we then reconnecting with our child, we’re modelling behaviour that will benefit them throughout their lives.
2. Take responsibility for one’s actions
Don’t soft-pedal the apology and excuse your behaviour; we all find those kinds of apologies annoying, e.g. “I’m sorry you’re mad at me, but I only yelled because you wouldn’t listen.” For now, focus on your own behaviour. “I’m sorry I yelled. I was frustrated and I took it out on you.” Don’t grovel or beat yourself up, simply take responsibility for your own actions.
3. Let the child be upset
We’ve talked in previous blogs about how important it is so acknowledge a child’s feelings, and to make it okay for them to feel what they feel. That is still the case now. They may still be upset with us, and we can give them some room to manage their own feelings. “It looks like you’re still feeling upset. Do you want to talk about it?” Or perhaps, “I’d like to talk more with you about this when you’re ready. You let me know. Is it okay if I check with you in 20 minutes if you haven’t come to me before then?”
4. Bridge the divide between you
When our overreactions have divided us from our kids, it is important to let them know we still want to be close to them or look forward to spending time with them. “Honey, I sure love you. And I’m looking forward to tonight when we read our book together.”
5. Focus little on their behaviour
Our goal here is to make a relationship repair, not to rehash the incident. Identifying the problem and making future plans is best left for later, when we are all calm and can be more objective. And you will just have modelled for your child:
Parents are not perfect AND it’s okay to not be perfect
It’s important to take responsibility for one’s mistakes, and how to do that.
Imperfect people can apologize and be forgiven.
We still love each other no matter what.
So YAY YOU! Those are fabulous lessons to equip our children with, and will equip them to create success in life. Well done.
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