When I was a kid, spanking was the normal thing that pretty much every parent did in order to discipline their children. This was how children were taught to obey, to learn right from wrong, and to develop social skills. Somewhere along the line, we started to think differently. As a society we moved away from hurting our kids and found other ways to discipline children, like time outs and losing privileges.
These often these take a long time to be effective, and exasperated parents find themselves arguing, threatening, shaming their children “why did you do that?” “what were you thinking?” And yelling. Lots and lots of yelling. We took spanking away, but we didn’t have great replacement strategies.
Many parents became afraid to set firm limits, in case they were being too harsh, or their children would be upset. Some parents decided against discipline altogether, not wanting to stifle their child’s creativity and spark. Tough time to be a parent. And hundreds of books were written about how to parent – many contradicting each other.
And then along came neuroscience. Our understanding of how brains develop skyrocketed. And as I studied brain science, my own perspective began to shift. Radically! So let me digress and talk about brains for a paragraph or two. It really is amazing stuff. Children are born with immature (only partially developed) brains. That surprises no one, right? The rest of the brain development takes place through their experiences, especially through their interactions with mature brains (not with devices).
No other organ requires interaction to develop. It is through engaging in back and forth experiences with their caregivers that little ones learn what it means to be human (sometimes called Serve and Return). And very gradually – I mean VERY (25+ years) – we learn to organize, prioritize, focus, solve problems, understand another’s perspective, manage our emotions, resist our impulses, and be self-aware. It’s hard for the adult brain to really understand just how much children don’t know and how hard they are working to grow neurons to process our complicated lives.
And here’s the thing that I had a hard time believing, at first: KIDS WANT TO BE GOOD!
And here’s the thing that I had a hard time believing, at first: KIDS WANT TO BE GOOD! They long to belong, to be loved, to be approved of. They want to laugh, and to avoid anger. Even tiny babies will cry when voices are raised. Even toddlers will repeat an action that makes us laugh. They are born loving happiness and harmony. When they aren’t good, it’s because THEY DON’T KNOW HOW TO BE GOOD. Sorry, I wasn’t yelling, just getting enthusiastic. But isn’t that an awesome shift in how we think. They want to be good, but sometimes they just don’t know how.
You see, needs in children don’t come up as thoughts. Babies don’t think “if I cry hard, someone will give me something that fills my stomach.” No, they just have a strong urge to meet a hunger need, and they express it the only way that’s available to them. Toddlers don’t say “I’m feeling really frustrated right now because I want to touch the thing, and you’re telling me I can’t touch the thing.” They have a desire that wells up to explore the thing, and when they aren’t allowed, they feel the frustration. The part of their brain that can make sense of this hasn’t come on-line yet and all that emotion just explodes out of them. And here’s where you come in.
Kids aren’t actually trying to defy us, or to drive us crazy, they just don’t know how to be good. I remember being 3 years old (lots of memories from that year) and I was colouring with a permanent marker while my mom was on the phone in another room. I ran out of space on the paper, so I started drawing on her orange Scandinavian style chair. I remember being fascinated by the way the ink looked on the fabric. Then I heard her get off the phone. AT THAT MOMENT I realized that I would be in trouble. I was frantically trying to flip the cushion over when she came into the room. I was spanked and I understood it was bad. That week I went on to draw on the walls, on the closet door in my room, and other things. And every time I got a spanking and had to help clean it off.
My mom and I talked about this years later – she was perplexed by this behaviour because I wasn’t inclined to disobey. But I remember the feeling of being fascinated by the marks I was making, and not remembering that I wasn’t allowed to do this, until something reminded me – like a parent approaching. I didn’t understand it either, but now I know that the impulse control part of my brain was simply not yet connected to the direct experience part. I got lost in the immediacy of what I was doing. Yet if my mom had asked me if I could write on the walls, I would have understood that I shouldn’t. I wasn’t being defiant, just had that immature brain that couldn’t yet put all the pieces together.
Sometimes we think “he KNOWS better”, but that might only apply to one part of his brain; he might not yet be able to do better.
Sometimes we think “he KNOWS better”, but that might only apply to one part of his brain; he might not yet be able to do better.
Adults are the mature brains, coaching and guiding the immature brain as it learns. Every interaction helps the immature brain to develop (Okay, stop right here. I can hear moms screaming “I’ve probably already wrecked my kids!” And I want to reassure you – if you’re worried about that, you’re doing okay. We don’t have to be perfect, just mostly good.)
And so back to my initial question – do we have to hurt in order to learn? Does learning have to be painful before we “get it.” And I invite you to consider that we don’t.
And so back to my initial question – do we have to hurt in order to learn? Does learning have to be painful before we “get it.” And I invite you to consider that we don’t.
When we think discipline, we almost always think punishment. Even in dictionaries! If you look up discipline, you’re likely to see punishment. But the true meaning of discipline is to make a disciple – a trained one. And isn’t our goal for our kids to have SELF-discipline? A good master doesn’t punish his followers every time they mess up. He patiently coaches, helping them understand how they could do better and, maybe most important, modelling it for them. And they want to learn because they love and respect him.
As I’m sure you know, there’s no one strategy. But there are many things you can do to build this kind of relationship with your child. A great starting place is Connect and Redirect. This will help you put the brakes on your automatic reaction and build empathy with your child. And as you can imagine, when we’re losing our temper with our child because they’re losing their temper, we’re not modelling the kinds of behaviours we want to see. And let our own flare ups be a reminder of how easily those tempers can flare, and how hard it can be to manage emotions.
We’ll be covering more on this in future blogs, but if you want more information RIGHT NOW, may I suggest two books for you: Discipline Without Distress by Judy Arnall is chalk full of great information and actual LISTS of alternatives to punishment. And no-punishment parenting doesn’t work well until we take care of our own anger. So, Judy wrote another one, Parenting with Patience¸ that addresses that. Judy is a mother of 5 children who has truly lived what she writes. She is a down-to-earth, practical woman who truly gets what it’s like to raise kids. And her writing is humourous and easy to read. Aren’t you glad that I read these things first so I can direct you to some really good stuff?!
And now that you know that your troublesome child actually wants to be good, this week be a detective and see what’s getting in their way – what do they need that they don’t know how to ask for, or what skill do they lack that would help them. And remember, more to come!
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